sometimes living feels like a burden.

it's like i'm waking up everyday, constantly asking myself over and over again - what will make today any different than yesterday?

every night i go to sleep like, yes, tomorrow is gonna be the day that i finally pull myself together. i'll be the person i should've been all day long. and then the morning comes, and everything's the same because i'm still the same. and it's still that same empty, ugly feeling inside of me that's like, what's the point? what is the point of my life? and it's funny cause it's not like i have any real reason to feel this way. it's just how it is. and then when anyone asks me what the problem is, i simply do not have an answer. "i'm sad", "why?". but that's not even the truth. i'm not necessarily sad, i am tired, unmotivated, anxious, jealous, stressed, fucking exhausted. and i don't know how to stop this. what if it's just who i am? maybe i'll never be able to feel the happiness, the contentness that i felt before. and even if i pull myself out of this pity hole that i have fallen into, is it gonna last? am i gonna have to go to sleep every night running my thoughts about how i don't deserve to rest because i didn't even really do anything productive all day. do i even deserve to be alive today, tomorrow, or the days that come after?

and if i really feel like this, why can't i change? why can't i just eat healthy, exercise, run my errands, do all my work, hang out with my friends and not always feel like i'm the fucking odd-one out. what is it that i lack? and why is it that i can't ever truly be happy for others, unless i'm happy myself? why can i only see my failure? why do i act like a horrible person, even thought i know what i'm feeling is wrong? am i just that - a horrible person? is that something that i just have to live with, hide it away from everyone hoping they'll never find out? what is there even to like about me? i'm so boring and bland - so basic.

if i disappeared - would they even care? would they even notice? 

i'm obsessed with twilight

the other day (which means this was like a week ago) i listened to some cool songs i L O V E D in like 2010, and i listened to Decode by Paramore and it just gave me the chills because i remembered how much i used to be obsessed with twilight. ha, turns out there's still a fan in me, because i've started re-reading the books.

my sister bought the first book in 2010, which means i was 9 back then. i didn't understand why she was fangirling so hard because of the book and the movie, so one night, when my sister went out with some of her friends, i started reading the book. holy shit. i can exactly remember that i got to the ninth chapter when my mom finally sent me to bed. now if you know anything about twilight, you should know that the books are really thicc and the chapters are like 30-40 pages long, which means i read almost 200 pages in about 3-4 hours.

now the shocking part comes up: next day, i finished the whole book. i read the entire story in just two days. i got hooked up to it, i just loved the way it was written, the story seemed so good made up and i was so excited when there was finally some vampire action. i liked edward's character the most because he was protective and his monologues were really interesting, i liked the way he saw the world. but for some reason, charlie (bella's dad) was and will always be my favorite. he was like a real human character. i don't know, i guess i felt a bit sorry for him for having a wreck of a daughter (i like bella too lmao but she can be really annoying sometimes).

so right now i'm at the sixth chapter of the second book. i'm not sure why, but i guess this book is my favorite. i think it's because i got tired of the vampires, so now it's time for some werewolves (winkwink).

what i don't understand is, that so many people hate on the story. W H Y.  i think that there's a very strong plot in all of the books, and the story is well-made up. the characters change from book-to book, and edward's and bella's relationship is actually really interesting. if you haven't read the books, you should definitely give them a try. don't judge the story by the movies, because i know that's what most people do, and that's really stupid.

FUN FACT: i've never read the fourth, final book, because my sister never bought it, and i didn't know how to download PDF files so i could read it, hah! i think i'll finally read it this year.

UPDATE: i read the fourth book too. it was kinda mehhh to be honest, when i had to read jacob's pov it was literal torture lmfao

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soooo, let me know about some of your childhood-teenage books you read! do you like them as much as you did as a kid? did you like twilight? what do you think about it now?